Turns out...Your choice is the right choice!

Once I got pregnant, along with the elation of having a baby came the heavy burden of constantly asking the question “Am I doing the right thing for my baby?”  There’s the obvious things to “do right” like don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t go skydiving…but what about the other choices? Midwives or doctors? Breastfed or bottle fed? Breast milk or formula? Medicated birth or natural birth? C-section or vaginal birth? These choices aren’t so clear cut and when you go searching for information, will you ever find opinions: Doctors force a medical agenda. Bottle fed babies will have nipple confusion. Breast fed babies are healthier. Medicated births put your baby at risk. C-sections aren’t usually necessary. Much of the information I found was supportive of a natural, unmedicated vaginal birth and breastfeeding after birth. I definitely understood the benefits of natural birth and breastfeeding, but what if I wanted something else? A doctor instead of a midwife? An epidural? A bottle fed baby? Are those bad choices? Not the optimal choice? A last resort?

One day in my prenatal yoga class, a woman was talking about trying to find a “crunchy” midwife…I’m sorry…what? I knew what a midwife was, but crunchy?! It seemed like I was the only person in the room who had a visible confused facial reaction to this word, so I’m assuming everyone else knew what this meant. So, I (rather embarrassed that I wasn't in the know) raised my hand to ask for an explanation. I found out that a “crunchy” midwife was basically all the things I was reading about in my research. All Natur-al. I still hadn't decided exactly where I stood on things - but I was pretty sure I wasn't crunchy...can I sign up for a soggy midwife?

I continued on in my pregnancy trying to dabble in the natural birthing world.  I went to an OBGYN that offered both doctors and midwives, but you had to choose one path or the other.  I gave midwives a shot. I guess I could try to be a little crunchy if that’s what’s best for my baby. Things seemed to be going smoothly until at about half way through my pregnancy, a bomb was dropped on me that, due to a couple of factors about me, I wasn’t a “good candidate” for being a midwife patient. I left feeling defeated. Completely crushed down that I just got kicked out of Crunchy Land.

After that appointment, I did some mama soul searching. In truth, I really was leaning toward all the things that weren’t "crunchy". I wanted an epidural. If the doctor suggested a c-section, I was on board. I wanted to breastfeed, but if it didn’t work out, I was ok with that. I wanted to do what the doctors thought best for me. In the end, I trusted the doctors I came to know during the second half of my pregnancy.

March 5th rolled around and I went in for a routine visit. My blood pressure was a little elevated, so they sent me to triage to be monitored. My blood pressure seemed to be leveling out, so I was about to be discharged, but then it gave a few last spikes. One of my doctors came into the room after reviewing my blood pressure monitoring for quite some time and when speaking with Scott and me about not knowing why my blood pressure was spiking and suggesting we begin the induction process, he put it this way:  “If you were my family, this is what I would tell you to do.” So that’s what we did. Long story short, induction didn’t work and I had a c-section a couple days after being admitted to the hospital.

After Etta was born, I tried to breastfeed. She was dropping weight in the hospital, so we supplemented with formula. I continued to breastfeed in the hospital and for a few days after I got home, but I was having a hard time. For many reasons, physical and mental, it wasn’t going well. I made the decision to stop breastfeeding and exclusively pump. I was doing alright at first, but my milk supply never went beyond maybe 10 ounces a day, so ultimately, Etta was mostly formula fed.

So to recap: I had a doctor. I had a c-section. I didn’t breastfeed. My daughter is primarily formula fed.

All. Not. Crunchy.

After having time to reflect on all if this, though, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. My doctors were amazing. The doctor that delivered Etta made me feel more comfortable with the entire process than I could have hoped for. Everything that happened leading up to and including Etta’s birth was my choice. Options were explained to me, we asked questions, and Scott and I told the doctor what we would like to happen. My c-section was a complete success and probably saved me from a mental breakdown. While many would have probably told me I just needed to push through and continue breastfeeding, I didn’t want to. It was taking a huge mental and physical toll on me. Moreover, I am so thankful that Scott was able to participate in this aspect of Etta’s life, too. The fact that I never produced much milk was out of my control – so formula was where it was at for Etta. All in all, I made all of these choices – the choice to do things that some people see as an undesirable outcome. But for me, Scott, and Etta, they were the right choice.

Shortly after I gave birth, someone asked a friend about me and Etta and how we were doing, and it came up that I had a c-section. Their response was something like “Oh…is she ok with that?” YES. I am ok with that I successfully birthed a healthy baby girl. There are risks with every choice. You weigh the options and make a decision. I hope everyone has people on their team to support their decisions, whatever they may be. I'm blessed to have Scott on my team because we helped each other through the decisions and he supported and understood what I felt and what I was going through. I am ok that I chose the path that I did, no matter the opinions on how I got there, because I believe a happy, sweet baby is the desired outcome. However you get there is up to you.

I let that eat at me for a little while, the thought that some people would think that I made sub-par decisions for my girl. What does that say about me that I chose to take the route that I did? The “unnatural” route if you will. I wrestled with if it made me a bad mom? A selfish mom? A weak mom? And the answer is of course not! The fact is that we all get to choose the best scenario for us, our partner, and our babies. After many hours spent toiling over our decisions, I had my moment where I came to understand that whatever decisions we made (and will still make in the future) had Etta’s safety and best interest in mind and were made with love. THIS makes them the right decision.