Turns out...It's ok to be ok!
I told you guys that I've been wanting to start a blog for over a year. I've got a lot of ground to cover... So here we go: entry 1/365 until we get to present day.
Just kidding! But there are a couple of topics that I'd like to blog about before I talk about life with my sweetie girl, Etta, in all of her current glory.
I mentioned in the previous blog that Scott and I found out we had a miscarriage 12 weeks in to our first pregnancy. The news, obviously, hit us really hard. Harder than hard. Like a knife to the heart. I had a type of miscarriage where the placenta grew, but the baby did not. So for 3 months, my body thought it was pregnant. For 3 months, we had been dreaming, planning, and bonding with our baby, only to find out that we had actually lost the baby probably days after conception. It felt like a joke. An awful, nightmare of a joke.
I'm the type of person that needs to understand every aspect, every possible scenario in order to feel peace about a situation. In some situations, one might call this thorough and prepared. In other instances, it's called being a control freak. I'm not sure which case this was, but either way, I found myself the Google Queen of everything miscarriage: Why do they happen? How do they happen? Will it happen again? Did I cause it? How do I recover - physically? mentally? emotionally?
I needed facts. Statistics. Definitive answers. I found plenty of these and they helped me understand some of the scientific aspects of how and why my miscarriage happened, but I still didn't feel at peace about it. What do I do next - google "How to feel at peace about a miscarriage?" Well, yes, I did! (Google Queen, remember?) But none of it seemed to help. What I found out is that I needed to work through it along side Scott to not only deal with the loss of our first child, but I wanted to feel thankful and joyful about the fact that we got to (and still do) get to love our Clementine.
For me, healing began with knowing that our baby a place in the world. Not just in the hearts of the handful of people who knew about our lost little love, but out in the open, known to all. I spoke with Scott and we decided to first, tell some of our close friends and our church family about our miscarriage and then put a post on Facebook about what had happened.
Not only did I feel peace about making our baby known to the world, but I found so much support through those who had experienced miscarriages as well. So many people who I never knew experienced loss just like Scott and I had. Texts with friends, supportive phone calls, comments on Facebook, meals prepared for us, and (perhaps most therapeutic of all?!) wine and ice cream delivered and dropped off by friends were all an integral part of my healing process. And many of these things would have never been available to me if I didn't speak out about my experiences - something that many women don't do. It's because of opening up about our miscarriage that we found the overwhelming support of our family and friends, and it's because of this support that I can be grateful for our first pregnancy and delight in the thought of our first baby in Heaven.
Not too long ago, Pinterest suggested an article for me that was entitled something like "5 things I didn't know about miscarriage until I had one" (more than a year later, Pinterest still suggests articles about miscarriage for me - again...Google Queen). The last item on the list of the 5 things the author wished they knew was that "The pain doesn't go away." I'm here to tell you that it can.
Grieve how you need to grieve. Be mad. Cry. Yell. Google. Whatever you need to do - but don't stop there. Be self aware. Understand your own thoughts about the situation. A fancy, English teacher word for that is 'metacognition'. (If we were in the classroom, I'd say "Everyone repeat after me: metacognition.") Figure out what it is that you need to do to set you on a path of healing. Ask for the support you need. The pain can go away if you take the time to heal.
I found peace by speaking about our miscarriage, but many moms and dads may feel otherwise. I'm not saying that everyone needs to put themselves out there in this way - but I am saying that I hope that women and men who have lost a child to miscarriage can feel comfortable sharing their stories if they choose to. The norm of miscarriage is the keep it a 'behind closed doors' conversation. If this is what brings you peace - do it. If it leaves you feeling uneasy, like me - know that it's ok to go against the norm. You just might find that it brings you exactly what you need.
September 3rd, 2017 was our first baby's due date. December 26th, 2016 was the day of our positive pregnancy tests - the tests I wrapped up and gave to Scott as a belated Christmas gift along with a onesie. These days will always come with a bit of sadness, but that doesn't mean you have to be in pain. I'll forever be grateful to my family, friends, and husband-of-the-century, Scott, for giving me the support that I needed to figure out that it's ok to be ok.
Just kidding! But there are a couple of topics that I'd like to blog about before I talk about life with my sweetie girl, Etta, in all of her current glory.
I mentioned in the previous blog that Scott and I found out we had a miscarriage 12 weeks in to our first pregnancy. The news, obviously, hit us really hard. Harder than hard. Like a knife to the heart. I had a type of miscarriage where the placenta grew, but the baby did not. So for 3 months, my body thought it was pregnant. For 3 months, we had been dreaming, planning, and bonding with our baby, only to find out that we had actually lost the baby probably days after conception. It felt like a joke. An awful, nightmare of a joke.
I'm the type of person that needs to understand every aspect, every possible scenario in order to feel peace about a situation. In some situations, one might call this thorough and prepared. In other instances, it's called being a control freak. I'm not sure which case this was, but either way, I found myself the Google Queen of everything miscarriage: Why do they happen? How do they happen? Will it happen again? Did I cause it? How do I recover - physically? mentally? emotionally?
I needed facts. Statistics. Definitive answers. I found plenty of these and they helped me understand some of the scientific aspects of how and why my miscarriage happened, but I still didn't feel at peace about it. What do I do next - google "How to feel at peace about a miscarriage?" Well, yes, I did! (Google Queen, remember?) But none of it seemed to help. What I found out is that I needed to work through it along side Scott to not only deal with the loss of our first child, but I wanted to feel thankful and joyful about the fact that we got to (and still do) get to love our Clementine.
For me, healing began with knowing that our baby a place in the world. Not just in the hearts of the handful of people who knew about our lost little love, but out in the open, known to all. I spoke with Scott and we decided to first, tell some of our close friends and our church family about our miscarriage and then put a post on Facebook about what had happened.
Not only did I feel peace about making our baby known to the world, but I found so much support through those who had experienced miscarriages as well. So many people who I never knew experienced loss just like Scott and I had. Texts with friends, supportive phone calls, comments on Facebook, meals prepared for us, and (perhaps most therapeutic of all?!) wine and ice cream delivered and dropped off by friends were all an integral part of my healing process. And many of these things would have never been available to me if I didn't speak out about my experiences - something that many women don't do. It's because of opening up about our miscarriage that we found the overwhelming support of our family and friends, and it's because of this support that I can be grateful for our first pregnancy and delight in the thought of our first baby in Heaven.
Not too long ago, Pinterest suggested an article for me that was entitled something like "5 things I didn't know about miscarriage until I had one" (more than a year later, Pinterest still suggests articles about miscarriage for me - again...Google Queen). The last item on the list of the 5 things the author wished they knew was that "The pain doesn't go away." I'm here to tell you that it can.
Grieve how you need to grieve. Be mad. Cry. Yell. Google. Whatever you need to do - but don't stop there. Be self aware. Understand your own thoughts about the situation. A fancy, English teacher word for that is 'metacognition'. (If we were in the classroom, I'd say "Everyone repeat after me: metacognition.") Figure out what it is that you need to do to set you on a path of healing. Ask for the support you need. The pain can go away if you take the time to heal.
I found peace by speaking about our miscarriage, but many moms and dads may feel otherwise. I'm not saying that everyone needs to put themselves out there in this way - but I am saying that I hope that women and men who have lost a child to miscarriage can feel comfortable sharing their stories if they choose to. The norm of miscarriage is the keep it a 'behind closed doors' conversation. If this is what brings you peace - do it. If it leaves you feeling uneasy, like me - know that it's ok to go against the norm. You just might find that it brings you exactly what you need.
September 3rd, 2017 was our first baby's due date. December 26th, 2016 was the day of our positive pregnancy tests - the tests I wrapped up and gave to Scott as a belated Christmas gift along with a onesie. These days will always come with a bit of sadness, but that doesn't mean you have to be in pain. I'll forever be grateful to my family, friends, and husband-of-the-century, Scott, for giving me the support that I needed to figure out that it's ok to be ok.
You are such an amzing writer.. duh?!lol But most of all, you are an inspiration to so many people that know you.. you give a voice to many who can't express how they feel, but your words may inspire others to find their own voice. What an amazing post. <3
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